Many of you already know what happened and how much I've been suffering and what was done to me but not everything except for my closest friends and I must apologize to some of you, my friends who are important to me as well but I didn't feel comfortable telling you everything that I've gone through.

I keep a diary that only few people I trust know about where I have been writing every day pretty much to let out my feelings, my pain and my grief. But now, I want you to know the extent of this horrible nightmare because it's my reality and it will explain why I don't write so much anymore here or to even some of you. Understand that I've been through hell. This is not a happy story and if you're not a close friend and don't like to hear about sad things then you might not be a true friend after all. I'm tired of people being inconsiderate of others, their feelings and suffering so here it is, what Bob did to me, my life and how much I'm still suffering.

I was very happy thinking that my future was going to be bright and full of love until my dying day because if you have read my story here before, you'll know that Bob and I believed we were together in another lifetime and that our love was so perfect and meant to be because of how we met, how "we" fell in love with each other at first sight and loved each other without knowing each others' names for months nor really talking or knowing each other after our brief encounter at the grocery store in Sanford. I was ecstatic and you got to see some of the messages he used to post here for me that I kept but they disappeared once he got rid of his page here.

We were truly happy until his ex-wife did what you all know she did and he got scared and stressed out and I was in the middle of moving in with him(some of my stuff already in his house) and I had given notice to my landlord and she did what she did and he panicked and said I couldn't move in yet until that situation got resolved, the stress began. I was already pregnant, I suspected it, he saw me with symptoms, he knew it as well and agreed that it seemed so but there was no time to really think about it and I needed to get another place to live because my landlord wouldn't let me stay after I had given notice so I had to find another place in a hurry.

He was changing and I was noticing things...he made some comments and did a few things that I will not post here but they made me feel concerned, I saw him get more and more stressed out and he began taking things out on me:

Excerpts from some of his emails(because I am not making anything up!):

"Geneva, I just want to appologize for causing you to hurt.
I am hurting as well.
My situation right now is very stressful for me right now.
My full attention is
needed to get through it and I'm sorry that I had to
pull away from you.

I fully understand that you love me and I feel it deep
within my heart. I feel the same way about you. It
was not just a coincidence that we met in the fashion
that we did. It was a miracle. I truly meant
everything that I ever said to you. You are the most
amazing, loving, selfless person that I have ever met
and I know for the rest of my life that I will never
find someone who loves and devotes themself to me like you have.

I didn't want to ever hurt you and it kills me to think that I have.
I would never let you suffer like this,
but right now I am drained of my life force
that is required even to maintain a good relationship.

I think that we can still have a chance once we have
dealt with our problems. I feel spent and emotionally
exhausted that I cannot expend the energy I need to
even have a relaxing night together.
Sometimes when I am stressed out I say
things that are hurtful and for
this I appologize.

I do love you and hope that things can work out in our
future.

I love you,
Bob "

******************

This is while that was going on, me not being able to move in and looking for another place and he had begun taking things out on me and I never, ever, not even once raised my voice at him. By our problems, he meant our kids' custody issues.

**********

"First off I want to apologize about the situation we
are in. I know that I have put you through an
emotional rollercoaster ride. This is my life right
now, it is up and down constantly. I'm so sorry that
I can't change the situation, but right now I cannot.

Emily is, and needs to be my main focus in life.
You are an important part of her life right now...she's crazy
about you! I want you in our lives and I cannot
express this enough.

I think that we can work through this. I'm sure that
you have rights when it comes to your apartment and
could stay there. You need to talk to your land lord
asap. If this is not an option then we can find you a
new place. If they don't allow dogs then Nicki can
live at my house. It will not change my love for you.

Let me know what you want to do, and I will help in
every way possible. I did not intend on this
happening, but our ex's have ruined our plans. I hope
that we can work through this.

I am here tp help you move your stuff even if you
decide that you no longer wish to be with me. I hope
that this is not the case, but if you choose this I'll
understand.

I am giving you some space to think, but I would love to talk to you. Please call me. I can watch Nicky anytime as well if it helps.
Please don't let this destroy what we share, it would
be a travesty. I want to be with you, we just need to
let the situation around us dissolve a bit so that we
can move on.
I Love You Geneva,
Bob "

*************

Throughout all that I understood, I really did but I was starting to fall apart because I had started to feel a strange pain and my classmates remember how ill I was at times in class, the fact that I was showing a bit and they asked me if I was pregnant.

So I found this place but it's more expensive, heat not included and with a lease and he told me to take it, just take it because leases could be broken any time, not to worry about heat because I'd be spending most of the time at home with him and once things would get resolved, we'd resume our plans which you know included us building a life together. The other alternative was a one-bedroom apartment that did not allow dogs and he said Nikki(my dog) could stay with him because this was only temporary...can you imagine if I had done that? I would've lost my dog too and wouldn't been able to see her now. She's been with me since 1997. She has had to suffer because of this too because she is 17 years old and the stairs here in this place are too much for her and every day she has a hard time coming up and she won't stay downstairs because she has to be with me, she's always been wherever I am at home and sleeps on the floor by my side of the bed "guarding me". My dog has fallen many times off the stairs, it's too much for her!

He had told me many times I'd be his wife. He talked about getting a bigger house elsewhere and things like that. So I was scared and feeling uneasy about this and took this place. I moved a lot of things on my own because unfortunately his dad had a heart attack and my classmates will remember when he told me on the phone that I had never ran so fast in my life, I threw my stuff and ran to go meet up with him to go with him or follow him to MA but my car's tires were low and he said I'd better return home so I didn't get to go and I was worried sick about his dad and trying to move things here. All that while I was feeling those strange pains. I had to come up with the Deposit, 1st and last month's rent. He didn't help me with that and I didn't say a word out consideration for his dad being in the hospital in MA.

Then he helped me move the rest of my stuff here, he was changing even more and I got really worried, he wanted distance and I tried to give it to him so he could get his thoughts together to prepare to deal with his ex, but I was worried about the dreaded word "space".

I had a wisdom tooth that had broken and needed surgery so I got a call to inform me someone canceled and that I'd have my surgery the next day and to make sure someone would drive me there. I had no family here and no close friends so I called him and told him and he said he couldn't take time off because he'd need it in a few weeks to deal with his ex and that situation and he sounded stressed out so I left it at that. I ran online into my former realtor and talking about stuff and my tooth he offered to take me to my surgery in Portland. He felt so bad that my boyfriend would not do this for me and I tried to make excuses for him. I felt so disappointed and let down too.

So I got very ill after that and I didn't understand why because I had a wisdom tooth pulled out before and I was ok after surgery. I got so sick, dizzy, weak I was even throwing up and could barely get out of bed and I got worse. That night he called me and asked me what I was doing and I told him I was ill and that I had the surgery and he got really upset with me and said "I can't believe you didn't call me to tell me and you got it done without telling me! I'm so mad!You can't be alone, you need to be taken care of!" I told him after he said he couldn't get time off I didn't want to bother him and I was giving him space too and he said that it didn't mean that he didn't love me nor cared about me and that he was coming to get me right that moment. And he did. He came with Emily to get me and brought me to his house. I was getting worse, I was so weak and even fell at one point trying to go to the bathroom. He was agitated and tried to argue with me then he stormed off out of the room and then came back in and said "Geneva you need to know that I really do love you" and he was kind again like he was before and he took care of me. He brought me home in the morning before he went to work and he was being really good checking on me calling me throughout the day but I was worse, dehydrated because I couldn't even get out of bed. He said he'd bring me something to drink after work but he never did and I waited, and waited, no call, no answer. I was worried, the next day nothing...I was more worried that something had happened to him and Emily and I dragged myself out of here the day after to see if they were ok and I was so weak and almost passing out knocking on his door and he came screaming at me to go to the hospital because he wasn't a dr. and I stood there in terror and disbelief that the loving man I fell in love with was treating me with such cruelty. I was so scared, terrified. That was not the same Bob I fell in love with, this was someone else, I couldn't believe he was treating me like that, as if I wasn't human, screaming at me and saying the most horrible things. It scared me so much. My whole world came crashing down.

That's how he left me and I don't know how I got home and I continued being sick but I didn't know it was so bad, I thought it was just a bad reaction to surgery. I was also having moments where I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown and there is a reason for that. I lost 10 lbs in 3 days.

I was wrong thinking that the initial pain I was feeling was maybe due to a gastrointestinal issue and that I got so sick because of a side effect to the anesthesia when I had that oral surgery, as I found out later on.

Bob sent me this email after he screamed at me apologizing:

******" I should apologize. I know what I did was
hurtful, but felt the need to do it in order to get
the distance that I need. I am not strong enough at
this point to help with your anxiety problem. It is
not something that I can fix for you. You are a
wonderful person and can fix this problem.

Not much new going on here, just trying to get through
the next couple of months. Emily is good and my dad
is doing pretty well. How is Nickis rash..still
wearing her cone?

Please keep taking care of yourself...love ya, Bob"

**********

Yeah, fix 'that problem' right, because feeling the emotions of knowing something is happening and you're not too sure what it is but your body is feeling it, your heart is feeling in and your mind too, that something's happening and you don't understand and with everything else going on, how could I not have had a breakdown huh? yeah that problem, the pain of losing the ones you love is a problem in his book I guess.

I was losing our baby when all that happened I guess and I was in denial and even doubted or wanted to believe that maybe I wasn't...but then without getting too graphic, more things happened and I was even more sure that I had been going through a miscarriage...I saw my Dr., he said that it was the case more likely but he wanted a specialist to see me and the specialist examined me, and only 2 things could cause what I went through and in my case it was a miscarriage. I was devastated. I was told that this is why I was feeling emotionally and even mentally drained and on the verge of a breakdown and indeed, I did have a breakdown but Bob didn't understand this I guess. What was I supposed to feel? Was I supposed to be cold and careless about it? Well I'm not a cold and careless human being and I lost my baby!I don't care what people think and what some of their beliefs are, to me a life begins at the time of conception period, a life has to start somewhere not in the middle of things! This was an early miscarriage but it doesn't mean I didn't love my baby right away. The moment it dawned on me that I was pregnant, I was scared because I had a tough pregnancy with my son but I loved my baby just like I loved my son the moment I realized I was pregnant!

The pain of having a miscarriage is something I can't describe and I'm grieving to this day. I guess sometimes I'm in denial about what he did to me because I can't understand how someone can go from being so loving to being so cruel just like that when I had done nothing but love him and his daughter so much.

Then some of you know the nightmare that followed, how much I was suffering for losing the love of my life, Emily and my baby.

I began to get anonymous calls about him, when I tried to let him know and ask if there was any truth to that, things got a lot worse and you know what he has done to me since then, the accusations that made me feel shocked because I didn't do what he claimed I did(but I have a feeling as to who is really behind that).

Right now I can't even bring myself to disclose everything completely, and there were other things he did to me and said to me that are just too painful and unbearable for me to even write them and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because this nightmare has affected my life in many ways I cannot even express and to think that maybe I was lied to, used, cheated on, preyed on is hard to believe and understand but his behavior throughout all that confuses me and makes me think it's possible that he is not who I thought he was. I really believed him and believed in him, he crossed that barrier I had for a long time of trust and I trusted him so much like I said. He was so good with words and expressing feelings and emotions. I'd hate to think it was all a well-rehearsed lie.

I don't wish for anyone to go through what I've been going through, this pain, the way my heart was ravaged, the agony, the grief and feeling like a part of me died as well. I'm not the same in many ways. I've been marked for life, traumatized by this and all this cruelty, what he did to me and the way he treated me...I hope that no one has to go through what I've been suffering. I lost so much...This is my reality. I don't sleep well, I have nightmares still and I cry for my baby too and Emily because I miss her terribly.

Those of you who know me well, know that I am a person of integrity and I'm honest and this is what happened to me and he knows it too. He has tried to go through extremes to cover this up but he knows what he did to me, he knows what happened and I'm far from crazy. He has tried to humiliate me, turned his family against me and has tried to portray me as the bad one here, a liar when he knows what he's done to me and there are people who know what he did to me.

He knows that what he did to me, no matter what, is going to haunt him and will always come back to bite him in the behind because sooner or later, all the women he tries to play the poor me, will find out and walk away. No one deserves to go through what I've gone through. He had no right to come into my life and do this to me and to have the nerve to accuse me of things I didn't do because he can't own up to his actions.

I lost my place, my baby, Emily and him too and I have a hard time accepting that it's possible everything he ever told me was a lie because of how everything points in the direction of him being unfaithful like the calls said, the horrific way I was treated when he knew I didn't have anyone here close I could turn to. You don't do those things to someone you said was the love of your life. The women and the things I've been told...it hurts to realize that maybe he was preying on me after all.

I gave my best, everything and in turn I was ravaged emotionally and my heart was broken beyond repair. I cannot trust after this. Those of you who do know what happened, thank you for your words of comfort even if you are not here. My witnesses to this situation are people I cannot mention but they know who they are including my 2 doctors, professionals that assisted me dealing with this situation. Non-friends that knew about my miscarriage so it's not like I had any close friends here really to be next to me while going through this. My ex-boyfriend Ryan saw me when I was still pregnant, already showing a bit and he noticed. He was going back and forth to Fl at the time so he wasn't around when I had my miscarriage but he came back not long after and saw me and how much weight I had lost. I trust him and he knows everything as well.

This is probably the longest I've ever written here but this is what happened to me and all this time I've been grieving. I can't count the many nights I've cried myself to sleep at night, or how hard it is for me to see babies still...to remember how he was with me when he was the most loving man I had ever known and then to remember his acts of cruelty that pierced my heart so deeply I feel like there is nothing left. I made so many excuses for him, tried to find logic in his behavior, blamed myself even when I knew deep down inside I had done nothing wrong because I was honest with him always, from day one. I loved him and gave him the best of me and everything I said I meant it, and my promises to him were sacred to me and to that, I hold true. He let me down, he didn't stand up for me, he failed to protect me and destroyed my life. I'm tired of all this. I didn't want to believe that this was emotional abuse like experts in the matter where telling me even though I know the signs really well. I couldn't accept or believe that he was doing that to me. All my life I've tried to be a good person, to do good deeds and be there for people.

Always had the typical caring for others thing going on, that's who I am, always trying to protect, care for others when they needed caring, help unconditionally even when I have been treated like shit. I have given the best of me and God knows this is how I feel, this is how I have suffered and I had nothing but good intentions and I wish that no one would have to suffer the way I have! I have been through all this alone, confused and wounded not understanding how could anyone be so cruel.

The supposed cheating, I never got a straight answer from him instead you know what he did to prevent me from getting the truth. Everything comes out one way or another. There are people who talk and I hear things without even wanting to because these places are not that big after all. It's like I have eyes and ears everywhere without even wanting to. I've been told others have gotten hurt and I wonder how many more. I wish I had someone come to me and warn me and it would've saved me all this pain, heartache and grief. He told me he didn't sleep around, now I know that was a lie because he does sleep around, even with women he meets the first day!

He's out there preying I guess, he didn't waste time either while I've been suffering for the loss of OUR baby and he treated me worse than an animal that night that as it turns out was maybe the start of my miscarriage. As soon as I had gone to the specialist I sent him a message to let him know, he didn't care. I sent him a copy of the Dr's order for an ultrasound to determine whether I had an ovarian cyst or if it was a miscarriage like my specialist suspected. Right off the bat he said he thought it was a miscarriage and he doubted it was a cyst but he wanted to be sure. Not an offer to help from Bob in any way, nothing.

I made him aware of my plan to go to the beach to throw a rose out to sea for our baby's memory and he didn't care either, he didn't go with me. I stood on the rocks at Gooch's Beach in the freezing cold crying, feeling so devastated grieving for our baby all alone. I had nothing else to remember our baby by, nothing but the love within me for an innocent life lost that was starting to form inside of me. How can anyone be so cruel? I didn't deserve any of this. I'm a human being, not trash and I was good to him, so good to him and devoted myself to him and his daughter. He had no right to destroy my life.

I'm tired of him resorting to low means to justify his wrong-doings, to hide the truth and that he tries to make me out to be someone I'm not because he can't own up to his actions and what he did to me and my life.

Think what you will but this is the truth and this is how I feel.

This is why I've withdrawn from so many things, because I've been suffering so much and many times, even quietly. You can't imagine the extent of my pain and to have to deal with so much injustice on top of that. The devastation, the pain, the sleepless nights, the nights I cry myself to sleep grieving, the agony and to be left to wonder why and how could this have happened. I will never, ever believe nor trust anyone again and while I've been suffering all this time and maybe like they said when he was still with me, he jumped in the sack so easily with others and even soon after leaving me. My life destroyed and all he could think about was looking for women online on those STUPID PERSONALS and some of you remember the way I found out about it and how devastated I was when that happened and his response when I confronted him about it saying that "he was bored, he didn't know what he was doing, that those profiles were fake anyway and those women were fat and ugly". Right!

I do believe in karma, what goes around comes around. Sooner or later...sooner or later...and if those women he cheated on me with knew what he did to me and what he was doing and didn't care, well one day it might happen to them and they will regret not caring and not giving a damn. Yes Karma can be a bitch, wait until it happens to you.

For every ounce of pain, every tear I've shed, every sleepless night, every nightmare, every moment of agony and desperation, the pain inside of me and physically, the emotional scars...for all of this that the man that referred to me as the "love of his life" has put me through, there has got to be justice someday, regret and hopefully shame because no one, NO ONE deserves to go through what I've gone through. I have been hurt time and time again until there are days I feel numb or like I have nothing left inside of me and days like today when I feel such deep pain because I know what he's done to me and I know more people will get hurt. All those women in and out of Emily's life...I care because I love her as my own! You just don't do that to your kids!!!

Some wounds are just too deep and time DOESN'T HEAL ALL WOUNDS! Some scars are forever!

How can I not think that everything he ever told me was a lie after what he's done and how he treated me?He is very good with words and knew how to get to my heart, fueled my dreams and gave me so much hope for the future talking about us growing old together...I guess he tells people what he thinks they want to hear.

How can anyone do this to another human being? How? How is it that he gets to sleep at night like nothing when I haven't been able to have a good night sleep for a long time and I didn't do anything wrong? How is it that those who do wrong, cause so much pain and destroy someone's life get to sleep and go through life without a conscience or remorse?I gave him the best of me, I put my life, my heart and my trust in his hands, how dare he? How could he do this?

Get over it? Move on? You try going through this hell see if you can "move on" so quickly if you have a heart and if you loved and cared about not just a man but a baby that never got to be in my arms, a little girl whom I love as if she was mine too. Thank God I have my son whom I love and adore and he knows it and he is my everything but I had room in my heart for Bob, Emily and his family too. I saw them as my family too and they just will never know how much this has hurt me and affected my life.

This is Bob's legacy in my life. I'm left with a ravaged heart, no hope, broken dreams and a huge sense of emptiness. No, I will never be able to feel what I felt. I'm certain of that as the air I breathe and I know myself and this was not like any other heartbreak I had before. This was truly devastating. Damn him for ruining something so pure and beautiful, it wasn't a coincidence that our lives crossed paths the way they did and he knew it, HE KNEW IT!!!All those signs that continued to happen even after only a few days ago but he just doesn't get it!

Right now, at this moment I'm thinking about the fact that Bob will try to find someone all he wants but he will never, EVER find anyone who will love him and devote herself to him and Emily the way I did, no one better than me because I know I am a very good person and no one will give him what I did or make him feel the way I did. He knows that and I know it too. All those women he's had after me (he thinks I don't know but oh I know, even when I don't want to know, I hear about it) they have been nothing but play toys and they knew what he did to me and they didn't care. Like I said, what goes around comes around. Be selfish and uncaring like him. A person that does this to the so called love of his life is capable of perhaps doing worse to you. I really can't help but think now that he's a predator and a player. Most of my friends think so because what he did to me is despicable and he knows it.

 My only sin is to be too loving and caring about people that don't give a damn about hurting me and ruining my life the way he did. He can keep lying about me all he wants, eventually women do see him for what he really is. I believed in him so much and it really does kill me to say all this because it's hard to accept that the person you loved so much and saw yourself growing old with could be capable of doing all these things and more that only very few close friends know about that I don't really want to say here. I'm not an animal, in fact he treats animals better than he treated me on some occasions and it's not right and it's not fair. Yeah he can look and play with all those idiots all he wants, deep down he is searching for what I gave him but no one, NO ONE can give it to him because they are not me and he knows it better than anyone else. Of that, I'm 100% confident. I know how easy it can be to believe in him because he's really good with words...I trusted him and believed him. He had no right to do this to me. I truly devoted myself to him and I wouldn't even have eyes for anyone else, you could put the best looking man in front of me and I wouldn't care. He was all I had eyes for.

It's a shame he didn't appreciate it and chose to treat me the way he did...he will and should have to live with what he did to me. I hope that every time he drives home past my former street sign, he remembers how he used to walk past my place for months hoping I'd come out to talk to me since the day he met me when he followed me home; I hope he remembers that because of him, I'm not living there anymore and I lost that place; that instead I'm in a nice place yes, but freezing my butt off because it cost so much to heat up this place...temporary? yeah right. I got stuck with a lease and when it's up, I can't even get another place, I can't come up with $2,500 this time like I had to back then to get another place, pay sec. first or last or even just sec and first. Yeah I hope he feels a pit in his stomach when he drives by every time!But most of all, knowing that he hurt me and destroyed my life, my dreams and my trust.  I've been told that I'm very much still present in his mind and that maybe, that's why he's acting like a desperate dog in heat trying to fill the void with someone else but that will never happen because no one is like me or will give him what I gave him. And while he's out screwing around with some dumb, pathetic and desperate woman he had to pay for to get to talk to in those ridiculous personals, I'm here suffering for all the hell he's put me through and I'm grieving alone and I bet he didn't shed a single tear for the loss of our baby!I have no sympathy at all now, for those women he hooks up with online because they should know better, they should investigate specially if they know about what he did to me; those sites are playgrounds and hardly any happy endings come out of there. Nothing but players. The women can be just as bad as the men there. Not all of them but many of them. What do they think, that he won't do to them what he did to me? I guarantee he's hurt others after me and they finally saw what he is really like or they finally found out about what he did to me, the love of his life!

Yeah, hell of a nice guy right? So considerate, so honest hah! saying the same things he used to say to me to all the women he's been with because he can't keep it in his pants. I can almost hear him say to her what he said to me that "it hurts to leave to go to work in the morning and that he ached to come home to me." I bet he tells all those women the same things he used to say to me. A very good source has told me that these women are nothing but play toys and that his constant desperation to get with one after the other is a clear sign that something is seriously wrong with him and that it may have to do with the fact that he knew he had it all with me and he blew it for not having the courage to take a stand because there was no need for any of this and he knows it! I consulted with an expert in kids' cases for him and he said there was no way and that he didn't have to stop his plans to build a life with me. It was just a convenient excuse at the time. I don't claim to be a strong person but I fight for what's right and take a stand when needed.

I'm sure many of you remember that he actually followed me home the day he met me and I had no idea and he walked past my apartment for months hoping I'd come out to talk to me. All that time I had no clue and later on he confessed this to me, that he was stalking me. Stalking is something he is very familiar with I guess. I was so in love at the time that I dismissed it and even his sister told me that he'd call her up and tell her about seeing me and driving past where I parked my car every day when I was going to school. I know that many of you thought that was creepy and you did say that was stalking.

And here I am, taking a stand by speaking out.